My ruminations are really almost always centered around one thing – make that two things – the dissolution of my relationship with my mom and stepdad and the future my husband and I dream about and work toward every day. Kind of a sad middle ground, now that I’m looking at that in writing, finding myself brooding over the past or the future, but not the present. Then again, I guess there isn’t much to mull over in the present; it’s just continually happening.
But this looking behind or ahead isn’t a constant rumination – it’s mostly when I’m tired or overworked or have a little downtime, or something sparks my memory and I look into it again.
The ongoing saga with my family is why I started the blog (semi-anonymously, remember), because 1) I don’t think I’m alone; 2) sometimes I just need to hash things out instead of wasting all the hot water while I contemplate every angle of the situation in the shower (that’s my thinking place).
But I’ve noticed that my post ideas have sort of danced around the subject but not really delved into it. Where to start? The Beginning (past)? The subject of my rumination at the moment (the present)? What I see / think / fear can happen in this family saga (the future)? Should I just delve in? Maybe I should just delve in. Ok, here I go, delving.
My husband (boyfriend-slash-fiance at the time) and I had a falling out with my parents after working for them for a couple of years. What followed, and still endures, was a harrowing emotional battle where (for them), no blow was too low, and any person not willing to accept their version of events at face value (my grandma, her sister, many of their customers) became an enemy. But what’s grown from that has been a formidable strengthening awareness of who I am and who I’m meant to be.
I’ve spent the last two years in yoga-therapy and deep rumination, discovering amazing truths about myself and my mother. The former are mind-blowing; the latter as well, but for different reasons.
These thoughts, the ones that come up when I start to really examine everyone involved as humans, these are what I ruminate on. The idea of forgiveness. The quest to become my best self. The wondering what could possibly have made someone so loathe to admit fault or take responsibility for their actions. My constant comparisons between the two of us that I hold up to the light for deep, three-dimensional observation. The tailspin I go into when someone says, ‘I can’t understand how a mother can do this to her child,’ is a heavy reminder that I’d never looked at it that way, a testament to my programming, no doubt.
A rather new outcome of all of this introspection has been a return to the center of my own best self. There’s no more self-loathing, no more brushing off of my feelings as petty or overblown, no more digging extra hard to convince myself that I am the root cause of this familial strife. My strength and integrity combine to form my shield; and those emotional quivers in her bow sail right past me, never hitting their mark (I just finished Ken Follett’s World Without End, can you tell?). The absolute best part of that is, when she shifts focus to train those same arrows onto her own mother or sister, inflicting half-truths and character assassination along the way, my truth and strength join with theirs to create a force field of love and respect, and the arrows don’t even hit. Don’t even come close. In fact, in an almost regretful imagining, I see them hover before their intended targets, then turn right around and make way for their point of inception. I’m rubber and you’re glue, don’tchaknow.
I guess after this post there is no more beating around the bush. It’s out there. I won’t talk about my boring weekend plans instead of getting this all out because, well, who wants to read about chicken coop plans and lazy Saturdays in front of the computer? BORING. Now, the story of our raucous bourbon-fueled night in the mountains during mini vacay is one to tell. Go the World!